The topic of "friendship breakups" becomes increasingly popular during the transitionfrom childhood to adulthood. As we mature and learn more about our interests and boundaries, we bceome selective about the people we allow close. I can argue that one of the greatest heartbreaks a woman can face is a breakup. No, not the end of a romantic relationship, but the end of a platonic one. Ending a friendship or losing a friend is a travesty, and some of us barely heal from it. However, we do grow from it. To be honest, I’ve lost friends in the past for one of two reasons: we grew apart or it needed to end. As women, I believe we foster our friendships more than romantic relationships because, in society, we’re often judged, ridiculed, and forced to appear in a specific way. But with our friends, we can shed our societal persona and just be who we are. With our friends, we’re provided a haven where we can vent, relate, and just be ourselves. Yet, some friendships, believe it or not, are toxic.
I had a friend who was charismatic, fun, hilarious, and a good time, but our relationship wasn’t healthy. The personal business I shared with her was also being shared with others. This brought about an immense amount of problems in our friendship, and she lacked empathy. The year our friendship ended, I was heartbroken. Ultimately, it ended with me being pushed out of our friend group.
In retrospect, I was a hot mess. I was humbled by the loss of those friends and I realized that: 1) it needed to end, and 2) they were toxic friends. I’ve learned to cherish the good friends I do have. I also learnt that in order to have a good friend, I have to be a good friend.
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Reasons Friendships Can End
So why do friendships end? It's important to note that some friendships end amicably and not due to toxicity. That doesn't make you or them bad people, life just happens. According to Psychology Today there are countless reasons, here are 3 reasons we’d like to highlight.
Growing Apart: People often grow in different directions due to changes in interests, life goals, or values. This natural drifting apart can lead to the end of a friendship.
Life Changes: Major life events such as moving to a new city, getting married, having children, or changes in work situations can make it harder to maintain a friendship.
Lack of Mutual Support: A friendship should be a source of mutual support and encouragement. If one friend consistently fails to support the other, it can create a sense of imbalance and dissatisfaction.
What Makes a Good Friend?
Though I knew what behaviors and characteristics to avoid, I noticed I didn’t have a clear definition of what a good friend was. Then it occurred to me: a good friend looks different for everybody, but the foundations are the same. According to Elizabeth Perry, ACC, a life coach from BetterUp, a good friend has quite a few traits, but I wanted to highlight what I deem important. A good friend is:
Trustworthy: This surpasses them holding on to your secret, even though that’s very important. It's about trusting them to have honest and good intentions.
Dependable: Yes, abrupt canceled plans are a bummer, but if you are going through something, can you depend on them to be there to support you or even keep their word?
Active Listeners: They are attentive when you speak. From their listening, they are able to understand how you are feeling, retain important information about you, and validate your emotions.
Quality Time: You spend memorable time together, where you can laugh, be yourself, and feel confident.
Low Maintenance: A good friend is always there, no matter how long it's been since you talked; there’s no need to talk or hang out every day.
Signs Your Friendship May Be Toxic
Knowing the signs of a good friend is important, but another essential skill is being able to identify the signs of a bad or toxic friendship. I did some research, and with the help of Choosing Therapy and BetterUp, I created a mini list of signs to consider if you wonder whether your friendship is toxic:
Disregard for Boundaries: Good friends take time to understand your boundaries and respect them. A toxic friend, on the other hand, believes boundaries do not exist.
Peer Pressure: Most of us aren’t in high school, but even as adults, peer pressure happens. If your friend pressures you to do things you’re not comfortable with because they’re doing it, it’s not healthy.
Leverage and Manipulate: Your friend often throws back in your face all of the things they’ve done for you in order to get you to do something with or for them.
Celebrating Canceled Plans: All introverts love a canceled plan, but only because they’d rather stay in the comfort of their own home. However, if you start wishing plans get canceled because you do not want to deal with them, maybe it’s time to rethink the friendship.
How to Recover From a Friendship Breakup
A lot of information about what a good friend is and the signs of a bad or toxic friend was shared, and you’re either thinking you have to end it or you’re at the point where it’s already ended. So, what’s next? How do you heal?
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It is imperative that we do not ignore what we’re feeling. It'll fester and hurt more. Instead, we should give ourselves the opportunity to understand and feel it.
Grieve: Believe it or not, you can grieve the death of a friendship. Don’t try to replace them, but give yourself the space and time to cherish memories and grow past it.
Practice Self-Care: Be kind to yourself and give yourself love to heal. Do some of your favorite things like reading, going for a walk, or rewatching your favorite movie. This is important because it allows you to recenter yourself.
Why Are Friendships Important?
Having friends is important not just for women, but for everyone. According to the Mayo Clinic, “good friends are good for your health… Friends prevent isolation and loneliness and give you a chance to offer needed companionship, too.” Let’s highlight the mental health benefits. According to the American Psychological Association, “adult friendships, especially high-quality ones that provide social support and companionship, significantly predict well-being and can protect against mental health issues such as depression and anxiety—and those benefits persist across the lifespan.”
We seek companionship to share our lives with. Most people have partners, but almost everyone has a friend. That’s why knowing what a good friend is essential. Life is hard enough; let’s not do it alone.
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